The Burden of the Breadwinner

In 2010, I was at a crossroads, fighting an internal tug-of-war that is familiar for many unfulfilled high performers. As the breadwinner of a household that included my (now-ex) wife and her daughter, I felt a duty to financially provide for and protect the people I loved. On the other hand, I was miserable in my 6-figure media executive career and yearned to be a whole human being, one with a healthy balance of purposeful work, authentic self-expression, love, and play.

While I had outgrown my career and knew there was something more out there for me, I didn't know what that looked like. After 15 years of following my father's footsteps up the corporate ladder, I lost myself along the way. I knew what I DID for a living, but I didn't know who I WAS... and I desperately wanted to find answers.

But would my career and life reimagination hurt the people I loved?

After 3 glasses of wine, I found the courage to open up to my ex about my frustration and desire to forge a fulfilling new career path, a full decade before the "Great Resignation" normalized the conversation.

Her eyes got wide and after a period of silence, she said "Dan, you can't just quit your job. We have a lifestyle to maintain."

Being the provider was a responsibility I embraced as a man, but the weight of doing it in a career I was ambivalent about was suffocating.

This is what I call "The Burden of the Breadwinner" and when it goes ignored, the end result is usually burnout, resentment, relationship turmoil, depression, and regret.

After reinventing my own life in 2015 and teaching hundreds of high performers around the world how to trade the corporate grind for their true calling, I've seen firsthand how the breadwinner burden affects high performing men and women in unique ways.

Male Breadwinners and the Struggle to Meet Expectations

Studies show men face a societal expectation to provide. 70% of people in a recent survey said the ability to support the family financially is very important to be a good partner (as opposed to 32% who say that about women). Other data suggests that a man's earning capacity is an important consideration in the dating world.

Thus, staying in the rat race (even when the job is soul-sucking) can be more a game of perception and self-preservation than actualizing one's purpose and building a legacy. Most male breadwinners silently struggle to keep everyone happy. On one hand, they strive to please their corporate overlords, where the "always be hustling" culture promises a path to financial security. On the other hand, the long hours tear them away from the family, causing underlying resentment from the people they're providing for. This can create a "no-win" feeling for the man, who is working too much in a job he doesn't love to provide for a family he feels like he can't please.

While sacrificing one's personal happiness for the greater good may seem noble, it's rarely sustainable. Many male breadwinners I coach feel weakened, as they know they're living a lesser life than they're capable of. Over time, prolonged patterns of settling, people-pleasing, and playing it safe diminishes their confidence and self-esteem.

Those internal feelings also the breadwinner's family. As David Deida points out in The Way of the Superior Man, when a man is not living in his purpose, his family senses that weakness. Their partners end up taking charge more than they'd like to, because the man lacks the energy and passion to take the lead away from the office and after all, somebody has to get s**t done at home. Male breadwinners sometimes complain to me that their children push back against discipline, perhaps sensing their father's own lack of self-discipline.

For many of the men I coach, this creates a deep-seated anger. In their mind, they're fulfilling the role expected of them, not living a life that's authentic to them, and feel unappreciated by their partner for their effort. In reality, their frustration is often a projection of how they've disrespected themselves, selling their soul for a cushy paycheck and 401K, and trading the need for freedom and self-expression for love and praise from the world.

To protect, provide, and procreate, are 3 of the "P's" of the masculine energy partner. But when providing becomes a cop-out for neglecting his purpose and an excuse to avoid being present with his loved ones, it's virtually impossible for a man to achieve a lasting sense of freedom or fulfillment.

Female Breadwinners: "Keeping the Plates Spinning" and the Burnout Battle.

The Breadwinner Burden is not exclusive to men. According to Pew research, women are the sole or primary breadwinner in 40% of American families, a record high number.

And while high-earning women also feel the financial responsibility to stay on the corporate hamster wheel, the pandemic has illuminated an additional set of challenges. According to studies, 40% of female breadwinners also take the lead in childcare, cooking, and housework, as opposed to 14% of male breadwinners who do the same.

For women, the impulse to "keep the plates spinning" creates a second fulltime job on top of an already demanding career, exponentially increasing burnout rates and causing women to disproportionately leave the workforce since 2020.

For most female breadwinners I coach, the thought of a career reinvention seems daunting. Even if they have the financial means to take a break and reassess their career, the exhaustion and burnout from leading at work and at home leaves little energy for even the most basic self-care, let alone the mental bandwidth needed to build a meaningful second chapter.

As you might imagine, a lack of tangible support at home leads to marital tension. But somewhat surprisingly, data from Harvard suggests couples with a female breadwinner also quietly struggle with breaking societal norms. According to HBR, women with higher status jobs than their partner are 16% less likely to be very satisfied with their relationship (56% versus 70%), more likely to be resentful or embarrassed of their partner, and more likely to consider divorce, especially if the partner has anything less than full time employment.

After 10,000 hours coaching high-achieving female clients, I've witnessed how these unspoken relationship resentments also serve as career reinvention roadblocks for burned out women. After all, if a female breadwinner can't count on her partner to do the dishes, how can she depend on him to pick up the financial slack while she starts the business, writes the book, goes back to school, or pursues another long held dream?

This belief is even more prevalent if a breadwinner woman has a family history with an unreliable father. As one female executive shared with me during a coaching session, she believed she had to grow up to become a better man than her father. This belief made the thought of surrendering total control of her family's financial future to her husband a terrifying prospect.

This article would be incomplete if we didn't acknowledge the burden of single breadwinner mothers, who make up roughly 1 in 5 American families. For them, the pressure to stay put and push through only intensifies. Switch companies? What if they don't offer the same flexibility and she can't take care of her kids? Take a new job for slightly less money and more growth potential? What if the new opportunities never materialize and she jeopardizes her family's future? The nervous system's desire to survive trump their soul's desire to expand and become more, leading to indecision, inaction, and stagnation.

Now over to you!

Continue the conversation in the comments. Has being the breadwinner caused tension in your life and relationships? How so? Is the pressure to provide blocking you from making a career pivot? What strategies have helped you move forward? I will be supporting you in the comments.

In the meantime, please like and/or share this article with your community.

Click here for Part 2 of “The Burden of the Breadwinner,” where I share 5 tips to handle your reinvention with less anxiety, more support, and better connection to yourself, your purpose, and the people you love.