Part 2: Creating Emotional Safety in Uncertain Times

If you read part 1 of my emotional safety blog, then you already know about the 3 thought traps that take away your power and keep you stuck in stress and overwhelm.

You also learned how those thought traps are indoctrinated in childhood and how they manifest in unhealthy ways for adults in the workplace.

 If you didn’t read Part I of my “Creating Safety in Uncertain Times” blog, click here to check it out.

 In part 2, I will offer some coaching to help you right the ship and stay centered (even when the world seems like a s**t-show).

 When Abraham Maslow first created his hierarchy of needs in 1943, he asserted that humans find safety through external systems like family, government, police, and a steady paycheck. But he didn’t account for the ways those systems could become corrupted and unsafe.

 Generational trauma, political power grabs, lobbyists, and corporate greed have made the old model of safety ineffective.

 The 40-hour work week has been replaced with "hustle culture," leaving many parents too tired to be present with themselves or their family. Politics have left large segments of the population feeling disenfranchised and unsafe. Plus, there's a 24-hour news cycle designed to keep people in fight or flight.

 (Don’t worry… This is NOT a political blog)

 This is a reminder that while we are living through an unparalleled time in history, you still have agency over how you show up and knowing HOW to create emotional safety within yourself is perhaps the most important personal development skill in 2022.

 Here are 4 ingredients to help you start.

 1. Get to know your nervous system.

 Most people know they’re stressed and anxious but aren’t sure about what creates it. To create safety within, you must have awareness of the unique triggers that dysregulate your autonomic nervous system. Once you build awareness of your triggers, you must also have a blueprint for what makes you feel safe. This is not a one-size fits all and is unique for every person. For me, meditation and time by the ocean help me self-regulate. Yet, many people struggle with silence and prefer the mountains to water. The more awareness you have of what works for you, the faster you can return to safety.

  2. Acceptance of emotions:

For most of my high performing clients, emotions weren’t rewarded in childhood and actually something to be shamed for. But your feelings want to be felt and accepted, just as you want to be seen, heard, and accepted by others. When we repress unpleasant emotions, they typically turn into depression and anxiety. Part of my coaching program is designed to help you befriend the parts of yourself you may have disowned in the past. Self-acceptance is a key to safety.

  3. Know Your Purpose:

Your purpose isn’t a singular epic thing you DO in the world, it’s about who you are BEING. It’s the emotional states you cultivate within yourself and share with the world through your service. BTW, if you don’t know who you want to be each day, rest assured there’s an inbox full of people who will make that choice for you. Purpose is a vital part of taking back your power and creating safety.

 4. Safe relationships:

 Humans are tribal and were designed to thrive in safe connection to others. Do you have relationships with people who share your values? Is your tribe also working towards living a more purposeful life? Or are they caught up in the negativity of the collective? Do they love and accept you for who you are? Or are your relationships transactional and based on performance? Emotional safety is built in the company of safe people.

 If you are deficient in one or all of these areas, it’s okay. Most of us weren’t taught how to create safety from within and live our purpose.

 But perhaps now is the time to have extraordinary coaching support in your corner. My client community has moved through the last 2 years with certainty, safety, and purpose. They are consistently experiencing unprecedented levels of joy and connection, not to mention record income and career fulfillment.

 Curious about how you can do the same? Click here to fill out my coaching application and to schedule a complimentary discovery call.

Part 1: Creating Emotional Safety in Uncertain Times

With so much uncertainty in the world, one of the biggest conversations happening in my coaching community right now is about how to feel safe.

Safe enough to use your voice and be seen as a leader…

Safe enough to leave an unfulfilling corporate job to follow your calling…

Safe enough to set boundaries…

Safe enough to ask for your needs in relationships…

And sadly, feeling safe enough to send your kids to school…

The need for safety and security is primal. That’s why famous psychologist, Abraham Maslow, placed it right behind survival essentials like food, water, and shelter on his famous hierarchy of human needs. Without emotional safety, it can be difficult to open your heart, share your love, and give your gifts to the world.

But if you’re like most people I work with, you might not have been taught how to feel safe within yourself. Many of my clients were conditioned from childhood to seek safety through external power sources.

These are what I call the 3 safety traps of the unfulfilled high performer: 

• Accolades: In this case, the path to love and safety was based on performance. These clients had to be the “Golden Child”—making the honor roll, winning the trophies, and being the best at everything. Anything less than an A+ was met with disapproval from parents, creating an internal monologue of “I’m not enough and must work harder.”

• Self-abandonment: Safety = responsibility. These people were asked to give up being a child to play the role of caretaker to siblings (or in worst case scenarios, be the parent to their parents). Whenever they experienced complex emotions as a child, the response from adults was “But what about ME?” Denying their own emotions and needs to rescue others was how they learned to feel control and safety.

• Acquiesce: These clients had to quietly comply with household rules, no matter how rigid, out of fear of emotional or physical punishment. To stand out and speak up would make them a target, as they were taught “children should be seen, not heard.” They learned safety was the prize you get for not rocking the boat.

These safety traps work in developmental years when a child is powerless to set boundaries or to leave the home.

However, when unaddressed and unhealed, the traps become maladaptive adult coping patterns that lead to overwhelm, resentment, and anxiety in your career and relationships.

If you’re an unhappy high performer, your corporate job may now be the place where you’re available around the clock to take care of problems, often at the expense of yourself and your family (the self-abandonment trap).

When burnout sets in, you may have an impulse to set a boundary with work. But if you also believe your safety is linked to your paycheck and 401K, you’ll collapse on yourself to stay off the radar (the acquiescing trap).

Corporate can also be the high achiever’s outlet to satisfy the accolade trap, where another promotion, pay raise, or president’s club award is your way to feel valued, loved, and safe. However, most people in this cycle climb to the top of every ladder, only to still feel like they haven’t “made it.” In my case, it led to an emotional collapse and the proverbial “midlife crisis.”

I don’t know which of these traps resonate most for you because we haven’t spoken yet.

But I wanted to share an important coaching point about why your job can’t ultimately be your link to safety and security…

Corporate jobs, like anything else external to you (marriage, house, kids, investment portfolios), can be lost.

And if you believe your job is your only link to safety and security, you’ll never truly have either.

The daily overwhelms, exhaustion, and anxiety which result from operating within the safety traps I shared are the literal opposite of having emotional safety.

And that doesn’t even account for the emotional crisis most people face if they’re laid off from that “safe” corporate job during an economic downturn.

Wouldn’t it be nice to stop giving away your power and learn how to create LASTING security and safety within yourself?

Click here for Part 2 of my “Creating Emotional from Within” series, where I’ll share the 4 ingredients to create unshakeable certainty amidst the chaos in the world!