Part 1: Creating Emotional Safety in Uncertain Times

With so much uncertainty in the world, one of the biggest conversations happening in my coaching community right now is about how to feel safe.

Safe enough to use your voice and be seen as a leader…

Safe enough to leave an unfulfilling corporate job to follow your calling…

Safe enough to set boundaries…

Safe enough to ask for your needs in relationships…

And sadly, feeling safe enough to send your kids to school…

The need for safety and security is primal. That’s why famous psychologist, Abraham Maslow, placed it right behind survival essentials like food, water, and shelter on his famous hierarchy of human needs. Without emotional safety, it can be difficult to open your heart, share your love, and give your gifts to the world.

But if you’re like most people I work with, you might not have been taught how to feel safe within yourself. Many of my clients were conditioned from childhood to seek safety through external power sources.

These are what I call the 3 safety traps of the unfulfilled high performer: 

• Accolades: In this case, the path to love and safety was based on performance. These clients had to be the “Golden Child”—making the honor roll, winning the trophies, and being the best at everything. Anything less than an A+ was met with disapproval from parents, creating an internal monologue of “I’m not enough and must work harder.”

• Self-abandonment: Safety = responsibility. These people were asked to give up being a child to play the role of caretaker to siblings (or in worst case scenarios, be the parent to their parents). Whenever they experienced complex emotions as a child, the response from adults was “But what about ME?” Denying their own emotions and needs to rescue others was how they learned to feel control and safety.

• Acquiesce: These clients had to quietly comply with household rules, no matter how rigid, out of fear of emotional or physical punishment. To stand out and speak up would make them a target, as they were taught “children should be seen, not heard.” They learned safety was the prize you get for not rocking the boat.

These safety traps work in developmental years when a child is powerless to set boundaries or to leave the home.

However, when unaddressed and unhealed, the traps become maladaptive adult coping patterns that lead to overwhelm, resentment, and anxiety in your career and relationships.

If you’re an unhappy high performer, your corporate job may now be the place where you’re available around the clock to take care of problems, often at the expense of yourself and your family (the self-abandonment trap).

When burnout sets in, you may have an impulse to set a boundary with work. But if you also believe your safety is linked to your paycheck and 401K, you’ll collapse on yourself to stay off the radar (the acquiescing trap).

Corporate can also be the high achiever’s outlet to satisfy the accolade trap, where another promotion, pay raise, or president’s club award is your way to feel valued, loved, and safe. However, most people in this cycle climb to the top of every ladder, only to still feel like they haven’t “made it.” In my case, it led to an emotional collapse and the proverbial “midlife crisis.”

I don’t know which of these traps resonate most for you because we haven’t spoken yet.

But I wanted to share an important coaching point about why your job can’t ultimately be your link to safety and security…

Corporate jobs, like anything else external to you (marriage, house, kids, investment portfolios), can be lost.

And if you believe your job is your only link to safety and security, you’ll never truly have either.

The daily overwhelms, exhaustion, and anxiety which result from operating within the safety traps I shared are the literal opposite of having emotional safety.

And that doesn’t even account for the emotional crisis most people face if they’re laid off from that “safe” corporate job during an economic downturn.

Wouldn’t it be nice to stop giving away your power and learn how to create LASTING security and safety within yourself?

Click here for Part 2 of my “Creating Emotional from Within” series, where I’ll share the 4 ingredients to create unshakeable certainty amidst the chaos in the world!

Part 2: The Burden of the Breadwinner- How to Reinvent Your Career with Less Anxiety and More Support

If you read part one of my “Burden of the Breadwinner” blog, then you already know how the pressure to protect and provide for loved ones can keep unfulfilled high performers trapped in the corporate rat race, rather than pivoting into a meaningful second career chapter.

And although the burden has different underlying causes for men versus breadwinner women, the result is always burnout, resentment, relationship turmoil, anxiety, and regret.

If you missed part 1, click here to start.

In this blog, I'll share 5 tips to help you successfully navigate your career reinvention with less anxiety, more support, and better connection to yourself, your purpose, and the people you love.

Tip #1: Don’t use your family as an excuse to play small.

Yes, you have responsibilities--- to pay the bills, take care of your loved ones, and be a productive member of society. However, your only true obligation in this lifetime is to discover your purpose and bring it to life.

Many people rationalize staying in a soul-crushing job by saying it allows them to build a great life for their family. But think of how much better off your family would be if you came home as the most invigorated, energized, present version of yourself? Many breadwinners use the financial rewards of their corporate career to buy presents for the people in their life, but don’t consider the damage that occurs when they’re too tired, overwhelmed, and exhausted to be present with their partner and kids.

Financial abundance is great. But if you emotionally shortchange yourself and the people you love in the process, you run the risk of living in emotional bankruptcy, which is the ultimate failure.

Tip #2: Uncover your burden blind spots.

Any beliefs you have that revolve around sacrifice, nonstop hustle, and having to do it all by yourself are typically generational patterns that were "gifted" to you in childhood by people who didn't know better. To move beyond the breadwinner burden, you first must understand the subconscious prejudices that keep you stuck in old patterns. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

1.     What did you see in your father’s behavior as a child? How did it influence what you believe about men or being a man today?

2.     What did you see in your mother’s behavior as a child? How did it influence what you believe about femininity and feminism as an adult?

3.     Was sacrifice demonstrated to you by your family as a show of love? Do you engage with your family the same way? Does sacrificing yourself and your goals create underlying resentment? If so, towards who? Is there a way you can create a fuller demonstration of love within your family today?

4.     Did your parents get the things they wanted professionally and personally? What did they have to do to get it? Do you hold the same rules? Or opposite rules?

Once you understand your subconscious model of the world, you can better understand why you’re feeling stuck and better communicate your needs at work and at home.

Tip #3: Men and the Myth About Power

In Part 1 of this blog, I shared data which explains why men tie their masculinity to money and status. From a cultural perspective, that narrative is pervasive in shows like Breaking Bad and Succession, where male characters would rather be sociopaths than mediocre breadwinners. And let's not forget the well-known politicians we see in the news who value power over democracy and basic human decency.

To find lasing fulfillment, male breadwinners must understand they must realize their power lies in their connection to their purpose.

Without a higher calling, a man will live an impotent existence (in the boardroom AND bedroom), constantly reacting to life, but never being free. Knowing you purpose allows you to live in your truth and the energy this creates spills over to your family, where you show up as the most present and loving version of yourself.

Tip #4: Female Breadwinners: Thrive at Work without Resentment at Home

Harvard surveyed the 40% of households led by female breadwinners and learned that high-earning women and their partners both secretly struggle with operating outside traditional societal norms.

The data shows that because breadwinner women still carry the brunt of the home care responsibilities, they are more unsatisfied with their relationships and more likely to consider divorce. Meanwhile, male partners who earn less are statistically more likely to cheat or use erectile dysfunction medication to deal with feeling less than their spouse.

Because most of us were conditioned to believe the man should bring home the bacon, it brings up uncomfortable feelings for both partners when he doesn’t, and some couples go to great lengths to avoid addressing the elephant in the room.

According to the census bureau, couples with female breadwinners are 16% more likely to underreport the woman’s income due to underlying feelings of embarrassment and shame. It doesn’t matter who is doing the reporting. Women will overreport their partners income while men will underreport their wife’s earnings.

What is the path to marital harmony? According to Harvard, when a high-earning woman feels supported at home, the marriage is more apt to flourish. But the type of support is crucial, where emotional support is not enough. Data shows when men pick up their fair share of the housework, child, and elder care duties, female breadwinner relationships work great. Researchers suggest it gives the female breadwinner more mental bandwidth to focus on career (including the space to create a desired pivot or reinvention) while also feeling more respected by their partner.

As is the case in all relationships, communication and teamwork matters. Making less income or being stay-at-home parent doesn’t make a partner less important. In fact, some studies indicate the work of a SAH parent would cost well over $100,000 if outsourced to other people. But as in any relationship, open dialogue and a safe space to share your feelings, needs, and expectations is paramount.

Tip #5: Allow Yourself to Receive Support

The breadwinner burden is real and very emotionally charged. When it’s left unaddressed, it’s a major contributing factor in anxiety, depression, burnout, and divorce. You shouldn’t "push through" or try to process the stress alone.

Breadwinners should seek professional help to address their pressure to perform and tendency to put their needs last at a root cause level. Additionally, must be able to ask for and receive support at home, whether that be dividing up home tasks with their partner or children, or hiring outside support. This is especially true for single parent breadwinners, who must build a support network, whether it be from extended family or other parents in their community.

Now over to you!

Whether you're planning a career reinvention, or just need to move beyond burnout, what steps could you take to build more support into your life.

Continue the conversation in the comments.

PS- My VIP coaching programs are the fastest ways for you to create a career AND life with more meaning, money, and freedom. Apply for 1:1 coaching and schedule a complimentary discovery call by clicking here.