Part 2: The Burden of the Breadwinner- How to Reinvent Your Career with Less Anxiety and More Support

If you read part one of my “Burden of the Breadwinner” blog, then you already know how the pressure to protect and provide for loved ones can keep unfulfilled high performers trapped in the corporate rat race, rather than pivoting into a meaningful second career chapter.

And although the burden has different underlying causes for men versus breadwinner women, the result is always burnout, resentment, relationship turmoil, anxiety, and regret.

If you missed part 1, click here to start.

In this blog, I'll share 5 tips to help you successfully navigate your career reinvention with less anxiety, more support, and better connection to yourself, your purpose, and the people you love.

Tip #1: Don’t use your family as an excuse to play small.

Yes, you have responsibilities--- to pay the bills, take care of your loved ones, and be a productive member of society. However, your only true obligation in this lifetime is to discover your purpose and bring it to life.

Many people rationalize staying in a soul-crushing job by saying it allows them to build a great life for their family. But think of how much better off your family would be if you came home as the most invigorated, energized, present version of yourself? Many breadwinners use the financial rewards of their corporate career to buy presents for the people in their life, but don’t consider the damage that occurs when they’re too tired, overwhelmed, and exhausted to be present with their partner and kids.

Financial abundance is great. But if you emotionally shortchange yourself and the people you love in the process, you run the risk of living in emotional bankruptcy, which is the ultimate failure.

Tip #2: Uncover your burden blind spots.

Any beliefs you have that revolve around sacrifice, nonstop hustle, and having to do it all by yourself are typically generational patterns that were "gifted" to you in childhood by people who didn't know better. To move beyond the breadwinner burden, you first must understand the subconscious prejudices that keep you stuck in old patterns. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

1.     What did you see in your father’s behavior as a child? How did it influence what you believe about men or being a man today?

2.     What did you see in your mother’s behavior as a child? How did it influence what you believe about femininity and feminism as an adult?

3.     Was sacrifice demonstrated to you by your family as a show of love? Do you engage with your family the same way? Does sacrificing yourself and your goals create underlying resentment? If so, towards who? Is there a way you can create a fuller demonstration of love within your family today?

4.     Did your parents get the things they wanted professionally and personally? What did they have to do to get it? Do you hold the same rules? Or opposite rules?

Once you understand your subconscious model of the world, you can better understand why you’re feeling stuck and better communicate your needs at work and at home.

Tip #3: Men and the Myth About Power

In Part 1 of this blog, I shared data which explains why men tie their masculinity to money and status. From a cultural perspective, that narrative is pervasive in shows like Breaking Bad and Succession, where male characters would rather be sociopaths than mediocre breadwinners. And let's not forget the well-known politicians we see in the news who value power over democracy and basic human decency.

To find lasing fulfillment, male breadwinners must understand they must realize their power lies in their connection to their purpose.

Without a higher calling, a man will live an impotent existence (in the boardroom AND bedroom), constantly reacting to life, but never being free. Knowing you purpose allows you to live in your truth and the energy this creates spills over to your family, where you show up as the most present and loving version of yourself.

Tip #4: Female Breadwinners: Thrive at Work without Resentment at Home

Harvard surveyed the 40% of households led by female breadwinners and learned that high-earning women and their partners both secretly struggle with operating outside traditional societal norms.

The data shows that because breadwinner women still carry the brunt of the home care responsibilities, they are more unsatisfied with their relationships and more likely to consider divorce. Meanwhile, male partners who earn less are statistically more likely to cheat or use erectile dysfunction medication to deal with feeling less than their spouse.

Because most of us were conditioned to believe the man should bring home the bacon, it brings up uncomfortable feelings for both partners when he doesn’t, and some couples go to great lengths to avoid addressing the elephant in the room.

According to the census bureau, couples with female breadwinners are 16% more likely to underreport the woman’s income due to underlying feelings of embarrassment and shame. It doesn’t matter who is doing the reporting. Women will overreport their partners income while men will underreport their wife’s earnings.

What is the path to marital harmony? According to Harvard, when a high-earning woman feels supported at home, the marriage is more apt to flourish. But the type of support is crucial, where emotional support is not enough. Data shows when men pick up their fair share of the housework, child, and elder care duties, female breadwinner relationships work great. Researchers suggest it gives the female breadwinner more mental bandwidth to focus on career (including the space to create a desired pivot or reinvention) while also feeling more respected by their partner.

As is the case in all relationships, communication and teamwork matters. Making less income or being stay-at-home parent doesn’t make a partner less important. In fact, some studies indicate the work of a SAH parent would cost well over $100,000 if outsourced to other people. But as in any relationship, open dialogue and a safe space to share your feelings, needs, and expectations is paramount.

Tip #5: Allow Yourself to Receive Support

The breadwinner burden is real and very emotionally charged. When it’s left unaddressed, it’s a major contributing factor in anxiety, depression, burnout, and divorce. You shouldn’t "push through" or try to process the stress alone.

Breadwinners should seek professional help to address their pressure to perform and tendency to put their needs last at a root cause level. Additionally, must be able to ask for and receive support at home, whether that be dividing up home tasks with their partner or children, or hiring outside support. This is especially true for single parent breadwinners, who must build a support network, whether it be from extended family or other parents in their community.

Now over to you!

Whether you're planning a career reinvention, or just need to move beyond burnout, what steps could you take to build more support into your life.

Continue the conversation in the comments.

PS- My VIP coaching programs are the fastest ways for you to create a career AND life with more meaning, money, and freedom. Apply for 1:1 coaching and schedule a complimentary discovery call by clicking here.